# How do you have an imposter syndrome when you're not good enough to even be an imposter? ![[unityuser.webp|600p]] --- ##### This week, after working the entire past two months, I have both completed a big project, and completed my Unity programmer certification. In both cases, I received overwhelmingly positive marks, with good feedback. And I still feel like *I'm not good enough*. I'm not doing enough. I'm not skilled enough. ## Unsurprisingly, I have self-esteem issues. And that in itself gives me anxiety. I've been taught by my background that self-loathing is a luxury. I don't have confidence in my own skills about anything. Despite being given awards, accolades, and recognition. Most recently, I received personal positive feedback that my project was **"nothing like I've ever seen"**. But the truth is I completely half assed that project. I did the absolute fucking minimum and was expecting a barely viable product. I expected to scrape by with a passing score, and instead received full marks. Despite all the constant feedback, ## I don't feel accomplished. The issue I believe I have is that... I have a standard/idea in my mind. I feel like have to live up to that standard. Of course, this does come from surrounding peers that I look up to and aspire to be, thought I also understand that comparison is the thief of joy. **It's not healthy to compare yourself to others.** I know this, I understand it well. And I don't compare myself to others most of the time. Instead, I create a *baseline* from this, from others, from my own expectations - which I end up almost never meeting. So, how do you ever feel like you achieved anything if you're barely meeting the bare minimum? Which is why- ## I never take to external feedback. I don't think I have ever accepted a compliment or positive feedback. To no offense, these words don't hold any value within me. It's not because I don't respect the person - it's mostly because **I don't respect myself**. When you compliment for something, it is more like you're complementing someone I hate (myself), and so the sincerity is misplaced. I don't see myself as someone who's worth praise, so when people do, I simply just reply 'no' or something of the matter, because I don't want to encourage them to keep saying nice things to me. After all, ## How do you take pride in something you know you didn't do your best on? How are you satisfied with a project that's just the bare minimum? How can you take positive feedback when you know every single flaw in your own work? People say that you should take breaks, *but what if you don't deserve one?* How can I say I'm 'taking a break' when I barely did the minimum amount of work? How can I be happy when my product is barely what I want it to be? There's so many ways I can emphasize that I *suck at doing anything*, but the big underlying issue is that- ## I am not focused. I have a hard time doing anything nowadays. I wish I could sit down, study my topics, create my best work, and send something out into the wild knowing I'm happy with it. This is the problem I've been having for so long. This is why I half assed the project and my Unity certification. Why I have so many unfinished projects sitting in Resonite. Why I have 3 recorded and mostly edited YouTube videos in my video projects folder. ## This is just rambling I'm really just writing out my frustrations with myself. I'm trying to be better, and it's not working. I feel like I have undiagnosed ADHD, and while I am trying to get a proper look at it, the healthcare system here is a bit slow and tedious. Time will tell. For now, all I can do is try. I am constantly behind my own schedule, and consistently displeased with my own work. However, I can try. Maybe, I can make something good.